Roulette Table: Staying married: Therapists offer survival guide for first year
by Christine Rook, GANNETT NEWS SERVICE
published September 4, 2006 12:15 am
The wedding gifts are open, the thank you notes mailed, the honeymoon bills due. Now begins the marriage in an era where divorce is common. There were 1,218 divorces filed in Buncombe County in 2005, 74 of which are still pending, according to the county’s court records. The Buncombe court administrator’s office has granted 994 divorce actions so far this year, with 480 still pending.
That’s about as promising as betting red at the roulette table.
Couples can increase their odds of survival, though, by devoting their first year of wedded bliss to establishing the rules and habits that will get you past arguments about money and who gets to drive the new car.
Rule 1: Because your parents reared you with one set of expectations and your spouse’s parents used another, don’t assume your spouse will behave as you wish.
Rule 2: Discuss your differences.
“Marriage is difficult,” says Rebecca Fuller Ward, author of “How to Stay Married Without Going Crazy” (Rainbow, $12.95).
“Don’t ever think it isn’t.”
By about the fifth year of marriage, 10 percent of couples divorce, according to a 2002 Census Bureau study. Five years later, another 10 percent have given up.
Marriages that go bad do so quickly.
First marriages ending in divorce dissolve in an average of eight years. A subsequent marriage that goes sour lasts an average of about seven years.
Census experts don’t track how many marriages dissolve in that first year, but experts have seen misunderstandings and wrong assumptions from year one return to haunt couples a decade later.
“Our experience teaches us something, and we look for that to be the rule,” says psychologist and pastoral counselor Ross Lucas. “It’s not.”
Lucas tells a story about a couple he counseled. The husband grew up in a home where the mother and father didn’t exchange Christmas gifts. The wife’s parents, however, made a big deal out of presents.
On the couple’s first Christmas together, the wife handed a gift to her husband and hid her hurt feelings when she didn’t get one in return.
How did the couple resolve the issue?
“Unfortunately, they didn’t,” Lucas says.
About nine years later, they landed in his office. The wife dredged up her frustration at giving her husband a Christmas present each year and getting nothing in return. Her husband was baffled. He couldn’t figure out why his wife kept giving him gifts.
The lesson: talk.
Then there’s money
Money is perhaps the biggest argument-inducing topic.
It doesn’t matter whether a husband and wife maintain separate accounts or merge their finances, says tax accountant Tom Johnson. “They just have to agree.”
At tax time, Johnson becomes privy to a lot of domestic disputes — mostly about who will pay the taxes.
He advises newlyweds to discuss their financial goals, look at their income and expenses and work out a budget.
Couples who don’t discuss money may end up with him boiling at her shop-till-she-drops habits and her resentful over his high-priced toys.
Individuality is underrated in a wedding that is hyped as a time for two to become one. Ignoring the self, however, leads to problems, says Ward, a psychotherapist.
Everyone has heard the phrase: “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”
Ward calls that enmeshment — where a person focuses so much on the needs of another that he becomes unable to express himself.
Don’t expect a spouse to accept responsibility for your happiness or to mimic your bad mood, she says. Be responsible for your own emotions. Say something when your feelings get hurt.
Do not avoid conflict.
That’s right. Don’t avoid it. Learn how to handle it.
Running off to pout is a child’s way of disagreeing. Instead, tell how your feelings were hurt. Don’t accuse. Don’t attack. Focus on you.
“When you’re talking about yourself, you’re on safe ground,” Ward says.
After you say what you don’t like, tell your husband or wife what you do like.
“I feel loved when you sit by me,” Ward offers as an example.
“It doesn’t usually work to argue,” Lucas said.
published September 4, 2006 12:15 am
The wedding gifts are open, the thank you notes mailed, the honeymoon bills due. Now begins the marriage in an era where divorce is common. There were 1,218 divorces filed in Buncombe County in 2005, 74 of which are still pending, according to the county’s court records. The Buncombe court administrator’s office has granted 994 divorce actions so far this year, with 480 still pending.
That’s about as promising as betting red at the roulette table.
Couples can increase their odds of survival, though, by devoting their first year of wedded bliss to establishing the rules and habits that will get you past arguments about money and who gets to drive the new car.
Rule 1: Because your parents reared you with one set of expectations and your spouse’s parents used another, don’t assume your spouse will behave as you wish.
Rule 2: Discuss your differences.
“Marriage is difficult,” says Rebecca Fuller Ward, author of “How to Stay Married Without Going Crazy” (Rainbow, $12.95).
“Don’t ever think it isn’t.”
By about the fifth year of marriage, 10 percent of couples divorce, according to a 2002 Census Bureau study. Five years later, another 10 percent have given up.
Marriages that go bad do so quickly.
First marriages ending in divorce dissolve in an average of eight years. A subsequent marriage that goes sour lasts an average of about seven years.
Census experts don’t track how many marriages dissolve in that first year, but experts have seen misunderstandings and wrong assumptions from year one return to haunt couples a decade later.
“Our experience teaches us something, and we look for that to be the rule,” says psychologist and pastoral counselor Ross Lucas. “It’s not.”
Lucas tells a story about a couple he counseled. The husband grew up in a home where the mother and father didn’t exchange Christmas gifts. The wife’s parents, however, made a big deal out of presents.
On the couple’s first Christmas together, the wife handed a gift to her husband and hid her hurt feelings when she didn’t get one in return.
How did the couple resolve the issue?
“Unfortunately, they didn’t,” Lucas says.
About nine years later, they landed in his office. The wife dredged up her frustration at giving her husband a Christmas present each year and getting nothing in return. Her husband was baffled. He couldn’t figure out why his wife kept giving him gifts.
The lesson: talk.
Then there’s money
Money is perhaps the biggest argument-inducing topic.
It doesn’t matter whether a husband and wife maintain separate accounts or merge their finances, says tax accountant Tom Johnson. “They just have to agree.”
At tax time, Johnson becomes privy to a lot of domestic disputes — mostly about who will pay the taxes.
He advises newlyweds to discuss their financial goals, look at their income and expenses and work out a budget.
Couples who don’t discuss money may end up with him boiling at her shop-till-she-drops habits and her resentful over his high-priced toys.
Individuality is underrated in a wedding that is hyped as a time for two to become one. Ignoring the self, however, leads to problems, says Ward, a psychotherapist.
Everyone has heard the phrase: “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”
Ward calls that enmeshment — where a person focuses so much on the needs of another that he becomes unable to express himself.
Don’t expect a spouse to accept responsibility for your happiness or to mimic your bad mood, she says. Be responsible for your own emotions. Say something when your feelings get hurt.
Do not avoid conflict.
That’s right. Don’t avoid it. Learn how to handle it.
Running off to pout is a child’s way of disagreeing. Instead, tell how your feelings were hurt. Don’t accuse. Don’t attack. Focus on you.
“When you’re talking about yourself, you’re on safe ground,” Ward says.
After you say what you don’t like, tell your husband or wife what you do like.
“I feel loved when you sit by me,” Ward offers as an example.
“It doesn’t usually work to argue,” Lucas said.
